NBN-ZTE Senate Investigation Awards Part 1

Note: Today's investigation is bigger and funnier...so watch out for the next installment of awards.



Humor under Pressure Medal of Honor: Rodolfo Lozada
Not since the girlfriend of Vidal Doble (What’s her name? Marietta something…), has the public seen a funny star witness in a senate investigation. This is FUNNY in the best possible manner. Not FUNNY as in Virgilio Garciliano-funny.

I-might-attend-mass-regularly-because-of-them Award: La Salle brothers and the group of courageous nuns
They should have worn a badge that says, CHURCH NOT WIMP. Let’s wait for Raul Gonzales to slap sedition charges against them.

Liar Liar Pants on Fire Distinction
1. Lito Atienza
2. Avelino Razon
These stooges should realize that lying is an art form. If you can’t lie well then don’t lie at all.


You-again-in-a-kidnapping Certificate of Appreciation: Mike Defensor
Welcome back! What’s with you and state-sanctioned abductions? I guess you did not learn from the previous Udong Mahusay Escapade.

Dazed and Confused Award: Senator Manuel Villar Jr.
Hmmm…his mind must be on the upcoming presidential elections. Honestly, his line of questioning was – at the least – incoherent or – at worst – lost. You should prepare next time.


Precarious Position Distinction: Senator Allan Peter Cayetano
He was in a precarious position in the last senate probe – not because he was the Chairman of the Senate Blue Ribbon Committee – but because he was in the middle of the Eager Beaver Mannys. Imagine sitting between two aspiring (and definitely excited) presidential candidates.

Nazi on the Loose Medal of Honor: Sergio Apostol
Racist! Burn! Burn! What was he thinking?! In the age of political correctness, he still uses Intsik (gasp). Chinoy – I think Teresita Ang See prefers it instead of the derogatory Intsik. There is an etymological explanation for its insulting implication. I wonder if Apostol’s MADAM WETNESS really accidental? Hmmm… Sexist! Burn! Burn!


Very Special VIP Award: Former Senator Franklin Drilon
Wow. Not everyone in the Senate gallery can sit in THAT place. This brings me to…

Extreme Paranoia Grand Prize: Lito Atienza
DENR Secretary Lito Atienza considers the possibility that the OTHER Liberal Party is behind Lozada’s revelation that he is part of the abduction since Drilon attended the investigation. Indeed. If that is the case, I was lucky that I was under the weather and WAS NOT ABLE to watch the probe live. Or else – Atienza will also suspect me.

You-were-good-but-next-time-stop-putting-words-into-the-witness’-mouth Trophy: Senator Panfilo Lacson
Next time, the good senator should ask questions. Lacson has the tendency of squeezing his needed answers that borders putting words to the witness’ mouth.

Bicol Express Medal of Honor: Senator Francis Escudero
If you look at the ethnic profiles of the members of the Upper Chamber, you will notice that there is a Bicolano Bloc: Escudero, Gregorio Honasan, Joker Arroyo, Antonio Trillanes, Jamby Madrigal, and – according to him – Juan Miguel Zubiri. During the probe, Escudero greeted Lozada in their dialect. I guess nothing eases a person than knowing you have a kababayan near you. Bicolanos are quite regionalistic. Believe me. I am half-Bicolano.

Look-who’s-talking Award: Senator Jamby Madrigal
It still boggles me. What was she thinking?! Asking questions that maliciously insinuate the sexual preference of Romulo Neri is a big mistake. I mean – come on – if you are attempting to reveal his homosexuality – then – LOOK WHO’S TALKING?!

Fierce and Loyal Allies Plaque of Appreciation
1. Miriam Defensor Santiago
2. Juan Ponce Enrile
While most of the administration solons are conspicuously absent, these veteran lawmakers were in the thick of things. Where was our favorite Dragon? Now we know that his slogan – PAG BAD KA LAGOT KA – is just a slogan. Zubiri missed his chance of making a fool of himself again in a senate investigation. As for Bong Revilla and Lito Lapid – well – I must be the only person who noticed their nonappearance.


You-can-resign-but-you-cannot-hide Medal of Honor: Benjamin Abalos
Tsk. Tsk. What can I say? Balato naman Chairman!

PGMA Achievement Award for Controversial Accomplishments
Female Category: Medy Poblador
She seems everywhere.

PGMA Achievement Award for Controversial Accomplishments
Male Category: Benjamin Abalos
Hands down winner.



Make-over of the Year: Joey De Venecia
His new hairstyle flatters him. I think he’s trying to prove that looking good is the best revenge. Take that Luli!

Stupid Retort of the Week
First Place: “The scenario is weakening the national leadership through the President who happens to be head of the coalition, so that her pulling power is lessen.” – Executive Secretary Eduardo Ermita

(He is referring to the supposed “pulling power” of Arroyo in the next Presidential Elections. Yes – the “pulling power.” Did we feel that power in the midterm elections? Oh yes. Indeed. It was a NEGATIVE power. The exact opposite of King Midas – everything she touches turns into turd.)

Runner-up: “They do not believe in these destabilization moves since economic facts and figures are very, very positive.” – Executive Secretary Eduardo Ermita

(“They” refers to us – the general public. It’s true. We do not believe in “these destabilization moves” because we never consider it as one. It’s not destabilization attempts but truth.)

Government Directive of the Year: MODERATE THEIR GREED

The investigation isn’t over. There’s a sequel. It’s more exciting since the next probe will include ALL THE PRESIDENT’S MEN.

Partido Lakas Tama

Juan Miguel Zubiri assured that LAKAS-CMD remains a strong party after the De Venecia Debacle. He noted that reforms must be made for a fresh start. There are talks of a possible merger with the bully KAMPI. Rumors are floating that Prospero Pichay will emerge as the new leader of the erstwhile ruling political party.

Welcome to the world of the beleaguered Partido Lakas Tama.

Zubiri must be naïve. Nothing can stop KAMPI now that it has bumped off one of the bigger fishes of its rival camp. The last midterm elections should have been a warning sign for them. The Distinguished Gentleman from Maguindanao should take off his pair of rose-colored glasses more often.

KAMPI is probably the most brazen and power-hungry political party in recent memory since it is the brainchild of She-who-must-be-Removed. Hell… this party is a whacked-job. Moreover, it is also perhaps the funniest political cluster at present.

1.KAMPI stands for Kabalikat ng Masang Pilipino – a major insult to the entire Filipino nation
2.Ronnie Puno serves as its thug leader.
3.Luis Villafuerte is the unofficial mouthpiece.
4.The Arroyo Brothers also known as Spawns of the Midget Empress are its poster boys for reform.
5.Included in their band of noble members are the likes of Amelita Villarosa who admitted that the infamous bribe-in-the-brown-envelope were from the funds of the party.

Unification talks between LAKAS and KAMPI will prove tragic to the former. There will be no alliance but compliance. There will be no merger but murder. There will be no coalition but demolition. The Citadel of Fidel Ramos is facing an uprising. Their next move is critical. Let us wait and see if the tobacco remains lit before the year ends.

Close Encounters with Prospero Nograles

First, should I call him Nogi Boy or Boy Nogi? I heard some radio commentators call the newly-installed House Speaker as Nogi. Sounds like a gap-toothed anime character. Then I thought of calling him as Boy Nogi. It's slicker and smoother but at the same time has a small-time gangster appeal. However, it sounds so much like Philip Salvador's character in his first-rate cop thriller of the same title. That's when I decided that I should stick with Nogi Boy. We should not besmirch the memories of great Filipino movies.

Now, let's get right on with our main discussion - my close encounters with Prospero Nograles. I'd be a lot happier discussing my encounters with Senator Francis Escudero but then I feel that it's my duty to share these stories. I'm just being noble. Oh. I also hope Mayor Rodrigo Duterte gets to read this entry.

FIRST ENCOUNTER
Place: Ateneo Law School
Event: Debate on PGMA Impeachment between Adprospero nograles, ministration and Opposition Lawmakers

Honestly, I did not know that I was seated besides Nograles' son. The son was quite memorable in the worst possible way. I'd bet that if you check out the work MAYABANG in a Filipino dictionary, you'll see his picture. Why? Let me enumerate the ways:
1. He said that he told his father to finish the debate early so that they could
have quality time over dinner.
2. One of his friend saw a lady wearing a set of cool sunglasses. She happens to
be Nogi's son's ex-girlfriend. Did you know that Nogi's son boasted (enough
for everyone to hear)the exorbitant price of the pretty eyewear? Major turn-
off!
At the end of the debate, the administration lawmakers suffered stinging retorts from the combined forces of Francis Escudero and Roilo Golez. Prospero Nograles - an Atenean - was overheard saying in jest, "Ayoko na. Lagi na lang Chiz. Puro na lang Chiz ang mga kabataan."

That was my first encounter with Prospero Nograles. He was quite arrogant all throughout the debate. He even remarked one classic trapo statement, "Impeachment is a numbers game. We have more numbers. Naturally, we will win."

SECOND ENCOUNTER
Place: Batasang Pambansa
Event: Social Work Field Work

My field work entails that I work for a non-government organization. I was assigned to an NGO serving Filipina overseas workers. One of the cases I handled, involved a group of predominantly Visayan and Mindanaon women who were illegally recruited. To cut the long story, after the resolution of their case - they decided to return to their respective provinces. The problem is money. They don't have enough and the NGO has very little to provide.

The NGO requested assistance from certain government agencies but still wasn't enough. Finally, someone suggested that we seek help from the client's respective congressmen. It was my responsibility to accompany and represent the clients. Caveat: I first thought of avoiding naming names - but what the heck.

Our youngest client is from Davao. I forgot the name of her congressman but he was not available at that time. Our other client hails from General Santos, thus her congressman is Manny Pacquiao killer Darlene Custodio. I was able to talk to one of her staff beforehand. She told me that they cannot promise to give the full amount because pork barrel is not provided for oppositionists. I said no problem. We'll accept whatever amount. Custodio's staff was very accommodating and efficient. We easily receive the financial assistance. They also suggested that we contact the Nograles' office for our Davaoena client. We followed their advice and off we went to the enormous office of the Majority Leader.

Wow. It was like a cathedral. Our client was very hopeful that she'll get sufficient assistance for her fare. After several minutes of paperwork, one of Nograles' staff talked to us and assured that DSWD will provide discount for her provincial fare. Through Nograles' help our client will be given an amazing... 23.5% discount.

Iggy Arroyo's office was way better than Nograles. Even if I hate Iggy, I can proudly say that his staff was most helpful for providing full financial assistance for their needy constituent.

But Nograles?

I still get shock whenever I remember that incident. 23.5% discount. Wow. I get better discounts from my favorite pirated DVD vendors. The big question is...BAKIT MAY BUTAL PANG .5%? I don't know.

Of course, I should be thankful for the financial assistance...but...come on. He's an administration stalwart and the House Majority Leader. His son publicly boasts of purchasing sunglasses of exorbitant prices. And all you can give your constituent is 23.5% off ticket fare?

I saw our client's obvious disappointment.

I felt insulted.

That was my last encounter with Prospero Nograles. I hope that it would also be my last, because if I see him again - I'll gladly returned his 23.5% discount.

No Excuses

I’m back. Several pertinent reasons can explain the long absence. First, I had to prioritize school. The academic requirements were a bit hard. Second, I had to prioritize my self. I need to rest. Blogging is a serious activity. Important endeavors must not mix with personal relaxation. I still surf the Net but I deliberately stayed away from blogging. Third, I was waiting for an earth-shaking political event that reeks with absurdity – something worth my sarcasm.

The event has arrived. Who would have thought that Jose De Venecia Jr., will not be anymore addressed as House Speaker? Damn. He’s like Pope John Paul II. (Before you hurl invectives, let me explain the comparison.) I was born in 1984 and all throughout my formative years in a Catholic school, I only knew one pope – John Paul II. Same goes with the head of the Lower House. All throughout my regular political discussions and debates with my father during my formative years, I only knew one House Speaker – Jose De Venecia Jr. (Yup. I had political discussions and debates with my father during my formative years. Some fathers read their kids fairy tales, I had Fidel Castro.) Of course, I knew Ramon Mitra but he was so tragic. Loosing a presidential race that was supposed to be in the bag because of some withdrawn endorsements – it was just sad. I hate sadness. Then here is a guy promoting Rainbow Coalition. I mean come on. For a young girl, the choice is clear between sadness and rainbows.

During the crucial moments of his embattled leadership, I was in the middle of a class debate. So, I wasn’t able to see De Venecia at his most vulnerable. Damn. Good thing our group won.

Wow. Really – I’m still reeling from the events. De Venecia is not the House Speaker? Unbelievable. The House Speakership is almost like a birthright for him. It’s like second skin. I would like to think that he now feels naked (in the figurative manner) now that he is just plain Representative Jose De Venecia Jr.

Before the actual events, news reports abound with talks that his House allies prefer to give him a graceful exit. Graceful exit? What a load of bull. I wanted a different kind of exit. I wanted De Venecia to stark raving mad. I wanted him to spew the nasty beans of the Midget One. He did. But I still wanted more. Piece of advice: Joe, let it all out. I still do not like you. But this could actually increase your chances of winning in a senate race. Oh yeah. Remember that Manuel Villar Jr., was a rich but dull congressman – then he quickened the Estrada Impeachment. Now he’s a senator aspiring for the highest position. Joe, you do not have an ounce of charisma of – let’s say Barack Obama – but this is your chance. Grab it.



Now we have a new Speaker of the House. Boy oh Boy Nograles. If De Venecia reminds me of Mr. Potato Head, Rodrigo Duterte’s least favorite person reminds my very young cousin of a cartoon monkey (whose name now escapes me). However, Nogi Boy is another story. I’ll write one. I have two interesting stories about our new House Speaker. I personally experienced it, so it’s true.

Joe is gone. I am back. Life is good.

Nograles is top dog. Life sucks.

Cream of the Crap

That’s not a typographical error. Crap. Not crop but crap. Crap is a slang word that means:

noun
1. an offensive term for nonsense, or something worthless or annoying
2. an offensive term for an act of passing solid waste matter out of the body through the anus
3. an offensive term for excrement

adjective
an offensive term meaning worthless, useless, or lacking in ability

verb
(past and past participle crapped, present participle crap·ping, 3rd person present singular craps)

an offensive term meaning to pass solid waste matter out of the body through the anus

So what’s with the ‘crap’ talk?

Well, yesterday I decided to browse the Team Chiz forum since I have not done so in days due to three research papers. There was a new forum member who calls himself Jose Pidol. Again - that’s not a typographical error. Pidol not Pidal.

To say the least, he is not a fan of Chiz Escudero which makes you wonder why he decided to join our forum. Well, he is actually not a fan of current politicians although he seems to have a soft spot for the Fake One.


Despite of my laidback sarcasm, I do have enough vitriolic ammunitions against people who personally attack other Team Chiz forum members. Let’s just say that Jose Pidol received some of it last night. It’s a Capricorn thing. We’re not showy with emotions but are quite fiercely loyal friends. Although I have not seen most of the forum members personally, I consider them friends. Anyone who dares to hurt them will be placed at the firing end of my tirades.

What did this Jose Pidol said that caused my irritation?

He said that I and the rest of the Team Chiz volunteers are CHEAP because we campaigned for him for free.
He said that our pictures with Chiz Escudero (which are proudly displayed as our forum signatures) should be subjected to Photoshop.

You can now make your evaluation whether this person is rational or not. But for the sake of rationality, let me answer his accusations.

Cheap is defined as:
adjective
costing little: low in price or cost, or lower in price than might reasonably be expected

charging little: charging low prices but offering good value

poor quality: inexpensive and of poor quality

worth little: worth little or accorded little value

undeserving of respect: not deserving to be respected

unfair: dishonorable, offensive, or unfair, especially in a way that seems obvious or calculated (a cheap trick)

stingy: stingy or unwilling to give freely

I am pretty sure that despite of his deficiency in reasoning, he is using the word ‘cheap’ as ‘undeserving of respect.’

Team Chiz members volunteered because we want to help Escudero. In the same manner, can Jose Pidol call the Gawad Kalinga volunteers cheap? Many criticizes the expenses incurred during elections. Isn’t volunteerism one way of lessening the expenditures? Team Chiz volunteers are not cheap. Call them altruistic.

Regarding the Photoshop issue, one forum member said that subjecting one’s picture to computer enhancements is the same as electoral cheatings. Deep. What he means is that both results to fake products.


Come on. Do I look like someone who needs the magic of Photoshop?

Now that I have defended my fellow Team Chiz members - let me defend myself.

Jose Pidol added that I may have had a Monica Lewinsky moment with Escudero as a payment for all my volunteer work. He also asked if it was ‘short.’ This guy got some class, noh?

Here are my answers.
I do not have a blue dress.
I rarely wear a dress.
I only met Chiz Escudero twice a) the first one was with a friend and a couple of 2bU Philippine Daily Inquirer staff and b) second was last week with four other Team Chiz members in the Senate building. It would be difficult to do a Lewinsky in front of others. The best alternative would be an orgy.

By now, my sarcasm has equaled my cholesterol level. )

However, what really caught my attention is that Jose Pidol called my blog a crap. Short of calling it a shi*t hole if you ask me. It is fine with me. I do not mind if you call my blog a crap or a piece of dirt rag stuck in the as* of a hydrophobic filthy hag. I do not mind.

Maybe if Manuel L Quezon III called my blog a crap then that would have affected me. But it was a certain forum member named Jose Pidol who does not have an ounce of analytical and grammatical skills as MLQ3 who called it a crap.

Lastly, this Jose Pidol threatened to cut off my wings. Wings? Yes. Phoenix? The Purple Phoenix? Phoenixes have wings.

I got some bad news for him. The phoenix does not die. Because of its ability of rebirth - it is almost an immortal creature. Like the mythical creature, the Purple Phoenix will not die. I am too good to be killed by your empty threats. Cut off my wings? Try me.

Unless he is talking about the wings of a sanitary napkin…

Here's a new development. As I was about to post this article, I opened my private messaging box in our forum and there were to messages of an apologetic Jose Pidol. Ang bilis naman. Ngayon pa lang ako ginaganahan.

The Jamby Enigma

The first time I heard of the name Jamby Madrigal was way before the official campaign period in 2004. She starred in a badly-disguised public service commercial extolling her anti-politicking campaign. You remember this...J-J-J-Jamby Madrigal!

That advertisement was a favorite college laugh trip. Next to Mar Roxas' Palengke propaganda and Pia Cayetano's infectious Pia-Pia-Pia-Cayetano - the Madrigal heiress has the third ranking LSS jingle. I also joked that when I run as mayor of our town (which will not happen sooner or later), I would pattern my campaign song after Madrigal. J-J-J-Jowana B Bueser! The mere thought is more than horrifying.

But you have my assurance - I did not vote for Jamby Madrigal. If you still remember her campaign ad, there were back-up dancers that provided extra oomph to her campaign (if that is even remotely possible). Some of the dancers were from UP. I had a chance to meet one of them in the Peyups forum. He seems quite embarass with her Jamby association. So he freed himself from further embarassment through a courageous self-declaration. He said, 'Hindi ko iboboto si Jamby. Tinanggap ko lang ang trabaho para kumita ng pera.'

In my case, I would not even lend my dancing skills to that rich bianing. You know what's a bianing?

Anyway, as the title suggests - Madrigal has become an enigma.

What is her motive for launching he senate presidential bid of Aquilino Pimentel?

My good friends gave me their two cents worth of political analysis.

1. Jamby Madrigal will run for president in 2010 and she wants to take down obstacles such as Manuel Villar.

2. Jamby Madrigal is eyeing the vice presidency of Mar Roxas and she wants to level the playing field of all 2010 presidentiables.

3. Jamby Madrigal wants Mar Roxas to win and she is doing everything for her one true love.

The last one got the group's agreement.

Seriously.

But this is no laughing matter. This is a manifestation of the rich and powerful maneouvering the political dynamics of our country. Her enormous campaign spending was just a tip of the iceberge. Her assistance to incarcerated solon Antonio Trillanes was a public exercise. The 2010 electoral competition is the main event.

It is the Main Event of the Madrigal moolah.

I can almost hear her say, 'I made it possible for a mutineer win and I can also do the same for an imbecile lawmaker to become a president.'

The force of her enigma is palpable. But again - you have my assurance - I will not vote for her.

The Hello Erap Issue

The last time Former President Joseph Estrada figured in a controversial conversation was during the silly height of the Other CD. The premier CD is the Hello Garci masterpiece. The Other CD is the supposed conversation of Estrada giving go-signal to Panfilo Lacson to assasinate Gloria Macapagal Arroyo and Fidel Ramos. Who exposed the Assasination Plot of the Century? Who else but Chavit Singson.

Now its Hello Erap.

Supposedly, the ousted leader talked to a government official (the proverbial Mike Defensor) to decrease the winning chances of his best buddy Fernando Poe Jr in the last elections.

Forgive me but I noticed a scripted drama (or comedy) in the making.

I could always say why only expose it now. But that was the same argument given to us by logic expert Eduardo Ermita when the Hello Garci CD came out.

The Questions
1. What would Estrada gain if his friend lost the elections?

2. Why must it be Mike Defensor again? Tol always figure in controversies. Don't you think that it's a bit convenient to include his name since he lost the senatorial elections. Sa madaling salita patapon na ang reputasyon niya at pwedeng-pwedeng sirain.

3. Why are Gringo Honasan and Tito Sotto enlightened by the incident while staunch FPJ loyalists Jojo Binay and Chiz Escudero disgusted? Dear me! I know one die-hard FPJ supporters who cannot stomached the presence of Sotto duing the campaign. In her own words, 'masyadong mabait si FPJ ayaw pa rin maniwala na ginagago siya ni Sotto.' Gringo? Well... he's now a free man. Bakit kaya? Hmmm...

It's a pity that we do not account the power of intuition.

INTUITION
The act or faculty of knowing or sensing without the use of rational processes; immediate cognition.

Knowledge gained by the use of this faculty; a perceptive insight.

A sense of something not evident or deducible; an impression.

Whose intuition? Susan Roces.

The widow has the uncanny ability of subtle public digs and criticism (not once but twice speech not included)against people who have betrayed his late husband.

How?

1. She did not support Tito Sotto, Gringo Honasan, Tessie Oreta, and Edgardo Angara in the last elections. The four personalities are the core campaign team of the Poe. Check your old Newsbreak issues for further evidence.

2. She remains in contact with the former president and even visited his Tanay farm. Check your past Yes magazine issues for further evidence. If you read Yes. I do.

This Saturday, the Eternal Movie Queen (as Ricky Lo described her) will be celebrating her birthday. I don't know if she will find the issue funny. But one thing is for sure Gringo Honasan and company will not be part of her birthday special in her TV show.

But Chiz Escudero is part of her entourage.

Hello Erap: FAKE or NOT?
Duh.

Gloria Macapagal Arroyo: FAKE or NOT?
What do you think?

Note: photo was respectfully taken from Susan Roces Yahoogroups.