Monday, February 11, 2008

NBN-ZTE Senate Investigation Awards Part 1

Note: Today's investigation is bigger and funnier...so watch out for the next installment of awards.



Humor under Pressure Medal of Honor
: Rodolfo Lozada
Not since the girlfriend of Vidal Doble (What’s her name? Marietta something…), has the public seen a funny star witness in a senate investigation. This is FUNNY in the best possible manner. Not FUNNY as in Virgilio Garciliano-funny.

I-might-attend-mass-regularly-because-of-them Award: La Salle brothers and the group of courageous nuns
They should have worn a badge that says, CHURCH NOT WIMP. Let’s wait for Raul Gonzales to slap sedition charges against them.

Liar Liar Pants on Fire Distinction

1. Lito Atienza
2. Avelino Razon

These stooges should realize that lying is an art form. If you can’t lie well then don’t lie at all.


You-again-in-a-kidnapping Certificate of Appreciation
: Mike Defensor
Welcome back! What’s with you and state-sanctioned abductions? I guess you did not learn from the previous Udong Mahusay Escapade.

Dazed and Confused Award: Senator Manuel Villar Jr.
Hmmm…his mind must be on the upcoming presidential elections. Honestly, his line of questioning was – at the least – incoherent or – at worst – lost. You should prepare next time.


Precarious Position Distinction
: Senator Allan Peter Cayetano
He was in a precarious position in the last senate probe – not because he was the Chairman of the Senate Blue Ribbon Committee – but because he was in the middle of the Eager Beaver Mannys. Imagine sitting between two aspiring (and definitely excited) presidential candidates.

Nazi on the Loose Medal of Honor: Sergio Apostol
Racist! Burn! Burn! What was he thinking?! In the age of political correctness, he still uses Intsik (gasp). Chinoy – I think Teresita Ang See prefers it instead of the derogatory Intsik. There is an etymological explanation for its insulting implication. I wonder if Apostol’s MADAM WETNESS really accidental? Hmmm… Sexist! Burn! Burn!


Very Special VIP Award: Former Senator Franklin Drilon
Wow. Not everyone in the Senate gallery can sit in THAT place. This brings me to…

Extreme Paranoia Grand Prize
: Lito Atienza
DENR Secretary Lito Atienza considers the possibility that the OTHER Liberal Party is behind Lozada’s revelation that he is part of the abduction since Drilon attended the investigation. Indeed. If that is the case, I was lucky that I was under the weather and WAS NOT ABLE to watch the probe live. Or else – Atienza will also suspect me.

You-were-good-but-next-time-stop-putting-words-into-the-witness’-mouth Trophy: Senator Panfilo Lacson
Next time, the good senator should ask questions. Lacson has the tendency of squeezing his needed answers that borders putting words to the witness’ mouth.

Bicol Express Medal of Honor: Senator Francis Escudero
If you look at the ethnic profiles of the members of the Upper Chamber, you will notice that there is a Bicolano Bloc: Escudero, Gregorio Honasan, Joker Arroyo, Antonio Trillanes, Jamby Madrigal, and – according to him – Juan Miguel Zubiri. During the probe, Escudero greeted Lozada in their dialect. I guess nothing eases a person than knowing you have a kababayan near you. Bicolanos are quite regionalistic. Believe me. I am half-Bicolano.

Look-who’s-talking Award: Senator Jamby Madrigal
It still boggles me. What was she thinking?! Asking questions that maliciously insinuate the sexual preference of Romulo Neri is a big mistake. I mean – come on – if you are attempting to reveal his homosexuality – then – LOOK WHO’S TALKING?!

Fierce and Loyal Allies Plaque of Appreciation

1. Miriam Defensor Santiago
2. Juan Ponce Enrile

While most of the administration solons are conspicuously absent, these veteran lawmakers were in the thick of things. Where was our favorite Dragon? Now we know that his slogan – PAG BAD KA LAGOT KA – is just a slogan. Zubiri missed his chance of making a fool of himself again in a senate investigation. As for Bong Revilla and Lito Lapid – well – I must be the only person who noticed their nonappearance.


You-can-resign-but-you-cannot-hide Medal of Honor: Benjamin Abalos
Tsk. Tsk. What can I say? Balato naman Chairman!

PGMA Achievement Award for Controversial Accomplishments
Female Category
: Medy Poblador
She seems everywhere.

PGMA Achievement Award for Controversial Accomplishments
Male Category
: Benjamin Abalos
Hands down winner.



Make-over of the Year: Joey De Venecia
His new hairstyle flatters him. I think he’s trying to prove that looking good is the best revenge. Take that Luli!

Stupid Retort of the Week
First Place
: “The scenario is weakening the national leadership through the President who happens to be head of the coalition, so that her pulling power is lessen.” – Executive Secretary Eduardo Ermita

(He is referring to the supposed “pulling power” of Arroyo in the next Presidential Elections. Yes – the “pulling power.” Did we feel that power in the midterm elections? Oh yes. Indeed. It was a NEGATIVE power. The exact opposite of King Midas – everything she touches turns into turd.)

Runner-up: “They do not believe in these destabilization moves since economic facts and figures are very, very positive.” – Executive Secretary Eduardo Ermita

(“They” refers to us – the general public. It’s true. We do not believe in “these destabilization moves” because we never consider it as one. It’s not destabilization attempts but truth.)

Government Directive of the Year: MODERATE THEIR GREED

The investigation isn’t over. There’s a sequel. It’s more exciting since the next probe will include ALL THE PRESIDENT’S MEN.

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