Thursday, June 14, 2007

The 2007 Election Awards

It is unfair that election losers will not bring home consolation prices. Thus, I thrust upon myself to honor the 2007 candidates with several awards that will not necessitate the permission of the Commission on Elections.

The I-am-so-consistent-I-love (or hate)-myself Award
Champion: Loren Legarda
The consistent pre and post election survey first-placer (except for one Kiko moment) will end up in the official counting as the first placer.
Runner-up: Mike Defensor
He was really consistent in the 15th spot. He must hate that kind of consistency.

The Phenomenal Failure of Election 2007
Champion: Tito Sotto
He started out in the top ten and ended up in the twilight zone. I guess it’s back to noontime shows.
Runner-up: Chavit Singson
Joseph Estrada will shed tears of joy for the monumental defeat of his erstwhile friend and drinking buddy.

I-am-a-slap-in-the-face-of-Hermogenes Esperon Trophy
Recipient: Antonio Trillanes IV
Imagine Esperon facing a senate investigation spearheaded by the Magdalo leader.

Gold Medal for a Slow but Sure Campaign

Chiz Escudero
From14th place to 8th and 6th places then finally a surprising runner-up finish – and to think that he had minimal campaign materials – never ever underestimate the power of charisma.

Silver Medal for a Slow but Sure Campaign

Noynoy Aquino
The sixth spot is supposed to be occupied by Joker Arroyo but the only son of Cory Aquino bumped off the feisty dragon. Despite of the James-Hope controversy, Aquino managed to solidify his high ranking. I did my share. I was shouting ‘I love you Noynoy’ during the Genuine Opposition’s miting de avance. For the record, I was the only one who dared to commit such unthinkable act.

Bronze Medal for a Slow but Sure Campaign
Miguel Zubiri
He’s really within striking distance. If he wins, it’s a classic photo finish. If he looses, then it’s a case of I-did-my-best-but-I-guess-my-best-wasn’t-good-enough. His ‘Boom Tarat’ commercial fell flat but his last ads rectified the embarrassment. One thing though. His over made-up face in his campaign posters is really disturbing.

Alone but not Lonely Award
Champion: Kiko Pangilinan
As the Professional Heckler said, ‘who needs a party if you have Sharon Cuneta for a wife?’ But his decision to leave the opposition contributed to his fall from 1st to 5th place.
Runner-up: Gringo Honasan
It’s final. Harvey Keh will leave the Philippines.

Invisibility Award

Recipient: Sultan Jamalul Kiram
Lakas-CMD should be penalized for including unknown Muslims (who have no chance of winning) in their line-ups. You still remember Senatoriable Parouk Hussin? Just to accommodate the Muslim sector in ‘Christian Muslim Democrats,’ this party will pluck out unsuspecting personalities and haplessly throw them in the vicious arena of elections. They did try to lure Adel Tamano…but he had so much sense and turned the offer down.

I’m-stuck-in-my-father’s-shadow Award
Recipient: Koko Pimentel
I have a strong feeling that his high pre-election ranking is a case of mistaken identity. People thought that it was the elder Pimentel who is running.

I’m-stuck-in-my-husband’s-shadow Award
Recipient: Sonia Roco
She could have won. Next time: more commercials with less Raul appearances. Be your own, girl!

I’m-simply-stuck Award
Recipient: Nikki Coseteng
Stuck in the realm of defeat. It’s a good thing that she placed higher than Tessie Oreta or the outcome would have been mortifying. She should have given way to other candidates and helped the opposition camp in other ways.

UP Hates Me so Much Certificate
Recipient: John Osmena
E-mail brigade is lovelier the second time around. The next time you run, the Oblation will carry a Don’t Vote Osmena tarpaulin banner.

Nice-try-better-luck-next-time Award
Recipient: Ang Kapatiran (Zosimo Paredes, Martin Bautista, and Adrian Sison)
Their intentions are most appreciated but next time make sure that you’re individuality stands to avoid confusing your party-name as some party-list groups.

Eddie Gil Plaque of Appreciation
Recipient: Jose Pepito Cayetano
Probably, the only nuisance candidate who almost destroyed the winning chances of a sure winner.

Silver Medal for Nuisance
Recipient: Felix Cantal
Watch his stint in Isang Tanong and you’ll witness the reason for his runner-up ranking.

Bronze Medal for Nuisance
Recipients: Victor Wood and Oliver Lozano
The Jukebox King wants a grand comeback. He’ now experiences the grandeur of being a national laughingstock. Lozano knows how to make a scene. He dismissed the SWS and Pulse Asia surveys then came up with a print ad showing his third-place ranking in a ‘nationwide text survey.’ I guess the Marcos loyalists are better texters than voters.

Catchiest Campaign Advertisement
Recipient: Manny Villar
It did not reach Mar Roxas level but it sure hell was catchy. Once more, ‘Si Manny Villar na/Mister Sipag at Tiyaga.’ Major LSS.

Worst Campaign Advertisement
Recipient: Mike Defensor
I know that he already conceded. Sorry for piling it in but the ‘Tol series has eye-gouging tendencies.

Cutest Campaign Advertisement
Champion: Chiz Escudero
The ‘Kids’ a.k.a. ako rin commercial is probably the cutest commercial that really complements his Say Chiz tagline. Now it can be told: cute kids can upstage a cute a candidate.
Runner-up: Joker Arroyo
The ad featuring his cartoon alter-ego which is the cutest politician-inspired cartoon in the history of our republic gave him a runner-up position. Escudero also has a cartoon alter-ego but the elder Bicolano had a better-looking one.

The-campaign-advertisement-voice-over-sounds-so-like-her-rival Award
Recipient: Loren Legarda
Listen to the part where the voice over shouts ‘Loren Legarda. Number 1 sa Senado.’ Doesn’t it remind you of Noli De Castro?

Most Annoying Campaign Advertisement
Champion: Tessie Oreta
Without a doubt…her I am sorry moment ruined her chances.
Runner-up: Tessie Oreta
Wow! A 1 – 2 finish for the other Aquino. Which commercial? The battered wife episode also known as ‘Kung hindi kay Senator Tessie hindi ko malalaman na hindi pala dapat sinasaktan ang mga babae.’ Damn. To think that her elder sister is a well-respected movie director.

Cut and Paste Political Advertisement Citation

Recipient: Ping Lacson
His HOPE commercials do not include song and dance routines or dramatic sketches. It was just a compendium of video clips with an orchestral rendition of his Bill Clinton-inspired campaign song.

Catchiest Campaign Battle Cry
Recipient: Prospero Pichay
Hands down winner. How can you argue with ‘Pichay: Itanim sa Senado’ for a tagline? As Alyanna Martinez articulated, ‘This is not a serious answer because there really isn’t one particular politician that I like but I must say that Prospero Pichay’s ‘Itanim sa Senado’ tagline really did catch my attention. It’s just too funny but it works.’

Bench-worthy Campaign Poster
Recipient: Chiz Escudero
Bench as in the global retail brand. Brown shirt + jeans + trademark smile = screaming girls.

Give-me-charisma-or-give-me-defeat Award
Recipient: Edgardo Angara
It speaks a lot about your ability to connect with people that despite of your numerous legislative accomplishments – you still need a young singing superstar like Sarah Geronimo to up your winning ante.

Gift Checks for Free Make-Over
Recipient: Vic Magsaysay
The Ramon Magsaysay-inspired wardrobe is not effective because he doesn’t have the vibe of the Guy. If he wants to look and sound like the legendary president then do something about his
face. Forsake the mobster look…it’s scaring the voters. It’s even cheaper if he does not include his pictures in his campaign posters.

Gift Checks for Free Make-Under
Recipient: Miguel Zubiri
You read it right, a make-under. His face in his campaign posters was over made-up. The amount of foundation used by the outgoing Bukidnon representative is at most, disturbing. How can he expect people to stop questioning his…that he is…uhmm…something that rhymes with ‘say.’

The Campaign Poster Crystal Cup
Recipient: Prospero Pichay
For practically blanketing the entire Philippines with his campaign materials, the outgoing Surigao Del Sur representative shall receive the prestigious cup donated by the Philippine Printing Press Association. The country has never seen a marketing ploy as excessive as that of Pichay which could only be described as gargantuan. He still lost.

Campaign Fund Philanthropy Citation
Recipient: Jamby Madrigal
Her initiative to fund the television ads of incarcerated candidate Antonio Trillanes boosted his level of awareness. In addition, the senator-heiress has successfully acquired the eternal ire of Hermogenes Esperon and Raul Gonzales.

The Grand Terpsichorean Trophy
Recipient: Manny Villar
Dancing should have been exploited by Tessie Oreta instead the electorate witnessed the current senate president showing off his skills. Imagine what he would do when he run for president in 2010.

Use-me-I’m –popular-I-could-definitely-bring-in-the-crowd Award
Recipient: Cesar Montano
What was he thinking?

Most Important Contribution of EVAT Award
Recipient: Ralph Recto
More precisely...the defeat of Ralph Recto.

Newest Political Heartthrob
Recipient: Adel Tamano
Some Team Chiz members will be branching out to form Team Adel 2010. The spokesperson position in the opposition camp is turning out to be a charm for aspiring senatoriables. In 2004, it was Chiz Escudero. Position: opposition spokesperson. Wanted: young, articulate, handsome, and well-educated lawyer with senatorial aspirations.

Ignacio Bunye Awardee for Skillful Spokesmanship
Recipient: Tonypet Albano
William Esposo concluded that he is the best endorser of GO’s secret weapon Adel Tamano. This guy is a multi-tasker. He can make you laugh and irritate you at the same time.

Virgilio Garcillano Memorial Trophy
Recipient: Lintang Bedol
Commissioners Benjamin Abalos and Rene Sarmiento could have won the prize but how can you resist giving it to Bedol. The stolen certificates of canvass, the sudden disappearance, and the stench of massive electoral fraud…ah…Garciliano would have been proud.

Political Endorser of the Year
Champion: Susan Roces
For having commonsense of NOT endorsing the complete Genuine Opposition (only one as a matter of fact) and for not saying ‘Vote Chiz Escudero: not once but twice’ as her campaign line – she gets my nod as political endorser of the year. Alright, I just made up the second reason but I have wanted to say that line for a long time. Vote Chiz Escudero: not once but twice.
Runner-up: Mother Lily Monteverde
She had a pretty good endorsement average. I think only Ralph Recto lost while Miguel Zubiri is still within striking distance. Loren Legarda. Chiz Escudero. Manny Villar. Kiko Pangilinan. Noynoy Aquino. Antonio Trillanes. Hey. That was impressive. It’s just that Ms Roces is now considered a political figure.

The Eternal Love Grand Prize

Recipient: Sunshine Cruz
Remember when she emotionally vowed to pawn her wedding ring just to help the campaign activities of his husband? All that was missing is a stirring musical score with a sunset background and we have a modern Scarlett O’Hara promising with God as her witness. Cesar Montano lost and the ring is safely tucked in her finger.

Matrimonial Madness Medal of Honor

Champion: Tito Sotto and Helen Gamboa
If a gossip merited a Ricky Lo article and front page article in the Philippine Daily Inquirer (PDI), then it should be given any award. ‘Helen Gamboa left his husband because she discovered his extra-marital affairs!’ ‘Tito Sotto is having an affair with Zsa Zsa Padilla!’ ‘Tito Sotto is having an affair with Tessie Oreta!’ And the headlines get gross day after day.
Runner-up: Edgardo and Gloria Angara
Since this only merited a front page space of the PDI, it’ll only place as runner-up. But in terms of the juice (as in juicy stuff), this is first place contender. Did the Seer of Sea and Sierra have an affair with Loren Legarda?


Anonymous said...

Hahaha! I enjoyed reading your post/s. Ang galing mong magsulat. Woohoo! Panalo ang pinakamamahal nating si Sir Chiz.

I voted for Chiz, so add me up sa friendster :)


Arbet said...

Imagine Esperon facing a senate investigation spearheaded by the Magdalo leader.<--Panalo!

It's final. Harvey Keh will leave the Philippines.<--Bye, Harvey.

The ad featuring his cartoon alter-ego which is the cutest politician-inspired cartoon in the history of our republic gave him a runner-up position. Escudero also has a cartoon alter-ego but the elder Bicolano had a better-looking one.<--I disagree on this one. His ad irritated me ALL THE TIME. And yes, he is not on my ballot.

Listen to the part where the voice over shouts "Loren Legarda. Number 1 sa Senado." Doesn’t it remind you of Noli De Castro?<--I think sinadya ito.

This guy is a multi-tasker. He can make you laugh and irritate you at the same time.<--Agree.

Great post!

manuelbuencamino said...

Loved it!

The Purple Phoenix said...

Thanks po!

Kailan gumawa ng paraan kahit papaano mapasaya ko naman ang sarili ko kasi ang eleksyon nakakabaliw.

Keran...ok i'll add you.

Nick said...

I have to admit, that battered wife Tessie Commercial was more disturbing than annoying...

I'm glad she lost, really really glad...

The Purple Phoenix said...

Sir Nick,

Different people have different reactions. Honestly, I find it hilarious but most of our house helpers get annoyed whenever they see her commercials. 'Pag nakikita nila, nagdadabog sa kusina :)So in honor of our house helpers, I awarded Tessie's ads as the most annoying. :)

mschumey07 said...

So does the Kalabasa Award go to Pichay too? Honasan should be given the Deal or No Deal Award. Best Actress of course is Loren and Best Supporting Actor to Montano. Senator of Maguindanao title should go to Migz while Best Impersonator should go to Oreta for her I am sorry ad. Mr.(ms.) Clean is Kiko. Best Special Effects goes to Bedol. Best Director is Abalos.

Great piece and well thought of.

The Purple Phoenix said...

Sir Schumey,

Thanks. I'll add your suggestions in my next installment...the elections is not yet over. 'Mathematically possible' pa raw si Migz :)

fmontserrat said...

Now it can be told: cute kids can upstage a cute a candidate.

Brown shirt + jeans + trademark smile = screaming girls.

Come to think of it:

Cute kids + a cute candidate = screaming fan-moms.

(Although I'm not particularly sure whether it's the children's dreams or Chiz' dreamy smile that caused an imbalance on their maternal hormones.)

(By the way, many thanks for copy-pasting my avatar in your blog. Wasn't expecting that. If I were a hetero, I would have married you. Lol.)

The Purple Phoenix said...

^ Nyahahaha! No problem with the avatar.

The screams of the fan-moms are caused by Chiz's dreamy smile. I'm pretty sure of that.

There's a grandma in our barrio who keeps on screaming whenever he sees Chiz in pictures and TV shows. Somebody said, LOLA...WALA KA NG ASIM KAYA WALA KA NG KARAPATAN PARA KILIGIN :)

Of course the grandma denied wala na siyang asim.

fmontserrat said...

^ You're too, too kind. (Oh, I've committed an html error on the code for my avatar. The link is not supposed to bring you to Lol. But it has been corrected now. Just copy again the code from my blog, if you don't mind. Many thanks again.)

Eddie Gil Plaque of Appreciation
Recipient: Jose Pepito Cayetano

I remember my dad and I giving a standing ovation when Abalos congratulated Alan Cayetano during the announcement of the top ten senators. It was one of the best in-your-face moments on television. What an hilarious farce our politics has become!

vic said...

I believe that the "most Insensitive Remarks" should go the Ms Sonia Rocco for her comments on the opposition with reference to the Autistic, which may have cost her countless of votes.

Whether in jest, without malice, or slip of the tonque, anyone who made a discriminatory comments regarding the "mentally and physically disabled" publicly is off the public affair either elected or any government service, in our case, there's is no two way about it, the public or the intended target may forgive, but the party or the voters would not. because in our society it is a clear violation of the rights of the mentally and physically disabled which have the same status as our "EQUALS" LET IT BE A WARNING.....

the jester-in-exile said...

hilarious post. well done.

The Purple Phoenix said...

Yup. True. The one on Ms. Roco. Very uncalled for.

Anonymous said...

Please dig into your laundry bag. What was awarded Chavit? I know you have one for him.

I dont want to be anon. I cant get in. Kutkut

The Purple Phoenix said...

^ Wow!

I must have deleted it accidentally there was an award for him.

Thanks for pointing that one out.

In future posts, there'll be one.

Elections is not yet over. We're still short of one senator.